Diagnosis Day. Diabetes Day. Depressed, discouraged, disgrunted, disappointed day. That’s been today for me.
I know I had some inner inkling from the awfulness of the glucose test on Monday, but part of me was also feeling so confident and happy and proud of myself for losing weight and exercising and just DOING GOOD since my last visit to the endocrinologist in February.
She came right in to the room and said, “Well, I’m sorry to say it, but you definitely have diabetes.”
Clunk.
Umm, what happened to “pre-?” I think that was probably wishful thinking back then. But I did have a few months to get used to the idea and during that time I did get significantly healthier in terms of my weight, blood pressure, cholesterol etc.
I was so shocked (well, part of me was, and part of me was not). And disappointed. And like, “Noooooooooooo!!!!!!! After all of my hard work!!” Isn’t it supposed to go, that you get rewarded for doing well? This is not the result I was wanting or expecting.
I sort of plaintively, hopefully asked, “Can I make it go away?” and she shook her head sadly and said, “I’m afraid not.”
But most probably I had it all along but it wasn’t until the finality of the glucose test that it was objectively defined.
In January my fasting blood glucose (BG) was 123. (official diagnosis = 125 or over) So that’s where I got the idea it was “pre-.” In February I had it down to 110 and I was feeling pretty damn good. So now it’s April. My fasting BG was a spectacular 101 (yay!) but that’s where the good news ended. My “postprandial” BG was 272 after 1 hour post-glucose. (normal is 90-150) It was only a little bit lower after 2 hours. Which explains exactly WHY I felt so deathly awful. It was for real.
I know that millions of people live happily (?) and healthily with diabetes. I know it’s a lot better than other diagnoses one could get. But still, I didn’t want this. I tried so hard to prevent it from happening.
I didn’t much like it when she tested my feet and gave me a prescription to go to an opthamologist and called it a “progressive disease.” I hate the sound of that.
I started crying in the doctor’s office, and then sat in the car and cried for an hour (see my tearful Twitters) and then drove around mournfully for the rest of the morning. I cancelled my visit with my friend because I was just too glum to be able to cheer someone ELSE up. Now I’m going to take a nap. I do feel like I will eventually recover from this, hopefully as early as tomorrow, but today I feel sad and shitty and like rolling up in a little ball and whimpering “It’s not fair.” Which it isn’t, but nothing really is.
I hereby proclaim today Official Day of Wallowing, and tomorrow I get up and carry on.
foodfoodbodybody 
April 1, 2009 at 7:33 pm
hugs, Friend.
I wish I had words to say.
part of me wants to tell you to hang in, hang on, to know it isnt something we can work around and that you will still PREVAIL.
yet most of me knows that Id hate to hear that talk right now.
*I* would want my wallow day.
nothing makes me MORE IRKED 🙂 than someone trying to ‘perk me right up’ when i simply want them to meet me where I am.
and let me stay there.
for a bit.
thinking about you.
PLEASE CHECK IN TOMORROW.
April 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Damn. I’m so sorry, FM. FWIW, you have got me thinking about my own sugar issues and what I need to do to get that under control. All the work you’ve done is not for naught. I’m sorry.
April 1, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Gosh, I’m so sorry sweetie, that’s awful…
But keep remembering that you have come very far, you have made positive changes, and yes this is an obstacle, but one that you can overcome.
It may not be easy, but it could be a blessing. You will become more in tune with your body. You will appreciate what it can do and how hard it works for you, and maybe it will inspire you to work harder for it- fuel it better, use it better, care for it better. These are all good things.
Yes, the package might seem ugly, but the gift of greater insight that will come is priceless.
Hope it gets better
<3s
Rebeca
April 1, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I saw your tweet and know this can feel devastating. I lost over 70 lbs and have kept that weight off for 9 years. I help people achieve permanent weight loss all the time. So, I hope it’s OK that I try to offer you another perspective.
I don’t know how old you are, how long you’ve been carrying too much weight or how much overweight you are – I only know you’ve been working on this since Jan. and you’ve made good progress. I’ve had lots of clients who have been diagnosed diabetic and have unhooked themselves from that diagnosis, blood sugar reaction and medication. My own mother-in-law did it too.
So, this is one test. It doesn’t mean you’ll test the same way next month. There are many things that may have influenced your test this time. There is also much you can do to help yourself, and please, by all means, don’t be discouraged from your current self-care and weight loss work.
I’d be happy to elaborate via email if it helps!
Pat Barone, CPCC, PCC
“America’s Weight Loss Catalyst”
Catalyst Coaching LLC
April 1, 2009 at 8:02 pm
It sucks…I know.
One of the things I have been contemplating is how it often takes something like this to spur us to action. The good news is that you’ve been in action for a while now and there’s nothing to say that you can’t reverse this (no matter what the doc says) over time. Ask yourself this: is this the worst thing that could ever happen to you?
I know that when I regained 20+ pounds I used all the same D words. And the more I felt them, the worse it became. I literally had to recalibrate and start to FEEL good before I could start doing the things I needed in order to lose those pesky pounds.
Start by feeling fantastic, by getting that “in love” feeling. I have faith…
April 1, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I LOVE that today is wallow day. You deserve that. Tomorrow, we’ll run. See you in the morning.
You have dominion.
April 1, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Awww, this is rotten news, and a good wallow is clearly indicated. BUT, you are doing very good things for your body and your mental health, and that will stand you in good stead, diabetes or no.
In spite of what your doctor said, I, too, am wondering what another test might reveal in another three or six months of taking care of yourself as you have been. Not to offer false hope, but everyone is different, and doctors aren’t always the first to recognize that.
Don’t lose heart for longer than your “wallow”! You can’t really know the full effects of your new program until you’re further along and reach your weight goal.
April 1, 2009 at 9:35 pm
*big huge hug*
There but for the grace of God go I. Diabetes runs in my family, so I know it’s out there, watching and waiting. I keep telling myself that I won’t get it; I’m so much more active than my mom and aunt were.
Right?
Then again, I am nearly 100 pounds overweight.
Dang, girl. Meetcha on the elliptical tomorrow morning?
P.S. My mom is off of diabetes meds after losing about 50 lbs (not in a healthy way, but whatever). It CAN happen.
April 1, 2009 at 9:36 pm
When I first saw your message on Twitter I said “don’t give up, keep going” etc. I just wanted to let you know I was there for you. But afterwards, I knew that wasn’t what you wanted (or maybe even needed) to hear.
So I came here to your blog, but left. I thought about it. I wanted to give some thought, like how *I* would feel in that situation. So I’m back.
It’s okay to wallow, it’s okay to feel disappointed & discouraged. It’s actually normal to do that and feel that way.
But do know that I’m here for you, thinking about you, and know you will continue on your path to wellness.
And MizFit is right.
So sending you a virtual hug and warm thoughts, and DO check in tomorrow. We all care, especially me 🙂
April 1, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Big hugs. Totally sucks not to be rewarded for such ginormous effort. And I hope you don’t give up because you will be rewarded for your efforts–there are other aspects to your health (heart, bp! You got your bp down!) and exercise/diet is still important and I hope this doesn’t sound like a lecture and I love you whether or not you exercise of course!
April 1, 2009 at 9:57 pm
p.s. I hope you have a fulfilling wallow day–glad that you are also taking care of your psyche, too.
April 1, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Aw, damnit. I would wallow, too.
But I also would echo what the others have said. Diabetes is *often* reversible, despite the ominous sound of “progressive disease.”
At any rate, I would not deny you your Wallowing Day. Heck, or even a Wallowing Week. It’s not a simple thing to adapt to in a day. When you’re up for Moving Forward Day, I will be here cheering you on.
April 1, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Hugs to you, my friend.
April 2, 2009 at 2:19 am
That really sucks! I know because I have diabetes! you will become more in tune with your body’s needs and that’s an awesome thing. You also can live happy with diabetes! I do, most of the time anyway. There are times when it’s a pain in the butt. I’m here for you and if you have any question for someone who’s living with it (6 yrs now)…just email me!
April 2, 2009 at 9:58 am
Wallow away — what a healthy response (seriously). Sending hugs…
April 2, 2009 at 11:28 am
Want to let you know that you have greatly inspired me. We have had our private discussions about my weight, my potential for diabetes, your words are making a big impact on me. (Already lost 4 pounds this week).
Hugs to you. Thank you for sharng your journey.
April 2, 2009 at 4:41 pm
oh no! sad!
wallow, kick, scream, cry, and generally revel in catharsis. then when you have decided you are empty, decide how you’re going to be full again.
April 2, 2009 at 11:00 pm
oh sorry to hear about this news.
I’ve been reading of your journey and am so inspired by your determination.
hugs, hugs, hugs.
April 7, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Hey Susan,
What a shock! Do you know Nancy Conover from TechNica eons ago? She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes almost 20 years ago. She has her ups and downs and moments of denial, but mostly she doesn’t let it get in the way of a very rich and full life. I’d be happy to put you in touch, if you’d find it helpful. It sucks that all that healthy living made you healthier, but still didn’t prevent the diagnosis. I’m sure it gets better from here.
Abrazos,
Jules
April 14, 2009 at 4:16 am
I’m sorry to read your blog, but fully sympathise with you! I was shocked and denied it, informing the medical staff that they had indeed mixed the results up and mine were in fact quite OK. Their reposnse was to say we could do the tests again but they would come back the same. I knew I had it though like you, how can you take glasses and glasses of drink to bed and finished them and want more?
It took me a long time to ‘get used to it (it being Diabetes)’ and all its associated worries and problems. But you do eventually get used to it, and learn to live with it, albeit wishing for another scenario.
Hope you are feeling better now you’ve had a day or so, but please do feel free to contact me on my web site (http://moneytips.ning.com) or the joyof diabetes (http://joyofdiabetes.ning.com) which is where I read about your blog.