It doesn’t really FEEL like I’ve been hiding – more like, “I’m really busy,” or “Time just got away from me,” etc. Stuff you’ve heard before. But you know that conventional wisdom says that If a fitness blogger seems to, er… disappear, then chances are high that something is not right. That they’ve fallen off the wagon, or gained weight, or lost their fitness, or all of the above.

I’ve had some pretty big gaps in blogging recently and although I have all these Excuses, it probably has come down to the fact that I was in a fair bit of struggle. Mostly with myself. And it’s only now that I am able to come back the blog because I feel like I’ve made it out the other side (I think). I wish that I had been able to be more open and to have shared some of that struggle here, but clearly – that just wasn’t happening.

During the time I’ve been gone, my 3rd healthaversary/blogaversary came and went. It’s a first for me not to note this with a commemorative, celebratory blog. But this anniversary had me feeling more sober than other years. Realizing, I guess, that this is a lifelong journey and that there’s no guarantee that it’s going to just Happen. In several ways I was feeling like I had let myself down and that I had been in a period of failing. It wasn’t a good feeling. But having the healthaversary celebration to celebrate my intention was a good thing, I think, and it helped get me back on my good path. Here are some of my friends doing our annual Walking of the Labyrinth on a cold and drizzly Sunday. Then we came back to the house for a nice brunch that made me feel all nourished, both physically and socially.

walking the labyrinth

On Monday, the next day, I had a little mini breakdown/meltdown. I reached out to a friend who really helped me. Until that point, I had not felt like I could share my struggles with anyone. In retrospect, that is just so sad and dumb and wrong. I know that I have SO many people who would so gladly “be there” for me, but my disappointment in myself was just too huge. As it turned out, I reached out to exactly the right person and it was a major turning point for me.

Somehow over the past couple of months I felt like I lost the me I wanted to be, and it was hard finding my way back. I had a bunch of setbacks including a break-in (busted back window) of my car with a purse robbery included. That wasn’t much fun. But first through walking the circles of the labyrinth, and then through opening up to one friend and then more (and now to all of you) it has made a huge difference. Things have lightened up considerably (including me, no pun intended).  Today I ran 9 miles in the rain, something I have been attempting over and over the past few weeks and just could not accomplish.

Next weekend is the Tinkerbell Half Marathon in Disneyland, which I’ll be doing with Junior and Juniorette. I am in nowhere near the condition I had hoped to be in, but judging by today’s 9 miler I think I can survive it. I hope we’ll have some fun together and then I’ll be turning my direction toward the new triathlon season. I can’t even begin to describe how excited, nervous and thrilled this makes me.

So, with much relief, I feel like I am “back.”

Have you ever “gone away” from fitness for a while? What helped you come back?

pretty views

Nature Guy found the world's biggest pine cone!

One of the mentors gave me some pita chips to get some salt into me. I think after a few hours I can get really sensitive, hydration wise. Even if I’m drinking a lot of water (which I was) if I don’t have salt and electrolytes, I can get really messed up. I was trying to be conscientious about the water but clearly it was not enough. I felt crappy the rest of the hike and when I got home, I had to just hop in the shower and into the car and over to San Francisco for my NYE dinner date and to work at friends’ comedy show. (which was awesome)

When I got up (at 6am!) on New Years’ Day, I was still kind of running on empty. I was feeling kind of tentative about doing the 10K run I’d signed up for, but I was meeting my Hike Coach (who was racewalking), another friend, and a bunch of buddies from my Tri team. I didn’t want to miss that! I promised spouse and self that I would rest, turn around or quit if I felt yucky.

GO team! Yahoo!

I didn’t really have any huge goals regarding the race, other than finishing without feeling like death. It’s a good thing that I didn’t have a good look at the race course before starting, because it would have scared me a LOT. The middle of the course was just one giant hill. Steeper or as steep as Mount Diablo.

Wow that was one heck of a hill.

I ended up walking pretty much all the way up and most of the way down. I saw a lot of runners FLYING down the hill and it scared me to death -you could break your neck so fast like that! So I was pretty cautious.

The awesome thing is that they had a great aid station at the top of the hill, which was the 10k turnaround. Sports drink and all kinds of edibles – including my favorite, salty pretzels! I took a big cupful and a big handful of pretzels. And you know, the second half of the race felt fantastic. I felt like my body was in perfect balance with fluids, salts and nutrition. The magic combo, once again!

I sure didn’t beat any speed records (especially due to the hill) but I finished feeling strong.  Coach Carolyn cheered me into the finish – she had walked that 10k twenty minutes faster than I did, running! She is a real force of nature. I met up with my other buddies and we got our medals and our (YUM) Haagen Dasz ice cream bars (what a great post-race treat!). We then discovered that Katherine had come in first in her age group – how awesome is she!!

Yahoo! Medals!

Go Katherine! Won her age division!

we all scream for ice cream!

So it turned out to be an awesome way to start the New Year. But man, I was pooped. Last night I went to bed right after dinner. I wasn’t sure if I was exhausted from the dual workout, or partly sick, or…

Today I barely moved. I spent the day paying bills and filing stuff and generally keeping a low profile. I think I need to learn a little bit about pacing myself.

January:

February:

I took my first of two trips to Baltimore last year!

March:

That was quite a weekend.

April:

May:

Yeah, people run naked. Why??

100th Anniversary medal was pretty nice

Major highlight of 2011: Fitbloggin!

MizFitOnline herself! I love Carla.

Best. Roomies. Ever.

Thank you Roni!!

June:

Nia dance party for my friend Audrey's Bday

July:

NorCal Fitbloggin' Local Meetup

of course there was tons of awesome food

signed up for Team in Training to do my first triathlon!

met the best training buddy EVER

August:

started riding a bike after 20 years

started swimming after 18 years

September:

A few bumps and bruises

Learned how to put on a wetsuit

Look, Ma! No hand!

October:

Dealing with the mental game

"Stories of the Body" Retreat at Santa Sabina

giving the course a test run

practice "mini tri" with paper medal

November:

Featured story in local paper

Holy moley, I did it.

Joined the TNT Hike/Snowshoe Team

Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot with WW folks

December:

Las Vegas Santa Claus 5k!

Looking back, I have to say I feel good about it. That was quite a year. I kept pushing myself and finding new and different things to do. I think that’s the name of the game. Keep going. Keep improving and challenging.

What’s in store for 2012? I’m starting out with a New Year’s Day 10k run. Then I’m doing the TinkerBell Half Marathon in Disneyland with my two daughters (fun!) on January 29th.  February 5th is the TNT Snowshoe Hike in Yosemite (prettty!) and then I’m diving into a new season of triathlon training, this time as a mentor. I can’t wait to get back to training again!! Would you like to be on my team and become a triathlete in 2012? Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can!!

What did you do in 2011 for health and fitness’ sake? What are your plans for 2012? I want to know!!

Well. It’s a tough choice! Both the DirectLife and FitBit have some distinct pros and cons.

The FitBit arrived a few days after I ordered it and I was very excited to try it out. It has some additional features that the Philips Directlife Activity Monitor doesn’t have, like estimating flights of stairs climbed and sleep quality. I thought that was kind of cool, since there have been many studies linking quality of sleep with weight loss.

But after 2 days, my FitBit died. It just stopped doing its cool things no matter how many times I re-installed the software, stuck it with a paper clip to reset it and contacted Customer Service. All of which were time consuming and a pain in the butt. Then I got a new one. Which took over a week to arrive, which was frustrating. I had 2 days of activity tracked and I hated having that hiatus in between. Then I almost killed the new one by putting it in the washing machine. It didn’t work for many days but then somehow it revived (dried out?).

So here’s the rundown. I LOVE many elements of the FitBit, but for me, the one major drawback is that it is not waterproof. I had no idea how important a feature this was, until I didn’t have it anymore.

Totally waterproof!

This is the deal. I wear my DirectLife all day, all night, every day, 24/7. I never take it off except to charge and sync it. I wear it on a chain around my neck and unless I’m going to some super-fancy affair (in which case I stick it in my bra), that’s wear it stays. I don’t ever think about it. I wear it in the shower. I wear it in the pool. I wore it during my triathlon. I NEVER TAKE IT OFF.

Maybe I’m just too clueless and lazy for a FitBit. I clip it on my clothing. And then when I take that piece of clothing off, I often totally forget about the Fitbit. And many hours of activity are lost. Sometimes it ends up in the washing machine. This is NOT GOOD. Once I clipped it on my sports bra. But then I washed it. Bad bad bad.

I really, really liked that the FitBit would show its data in real time, and that I didn’t have to connect it to the computer to see my stats. I loved that it measured steps, miles, calories, flights of stairs. SO COOL.

So to recap:

Philips DirectLife:

Pros: easy to use, great individual coaching, clear data online, waterproof, durable

Cons: only tracks “movement” and not individual elements like steps, stairs, etc.

FitBit:

Pros: easy to use, clear data online, can see data in real-time, has various data points (steps, mileage, calories, sleep, stairs)

Cons: easily damaged (?), delicate, customer service takes FOREVER, not waterproof, must transfer from clothing to clothing, no coaching

They both cost about the same ($100, give or take a few bucks). For now, I’m going to continue using both, but for my personal use I think I’m probably going to stick with the DirectLife. It’s a no-brainer for no brains like me. Also, I just remembered the amazing personal coaching that DL offers. It’s a live person who emails you especially when it looks like you’re slacking off. They support, encourage and trouble shoot.

The customer service at FitBit was maddening. Basically you send them an email. It takes 24 hours average for them to respond with some suggestions. Then if the suggestion doesn’t work, you have to send ANOTHER email, more time elapses, and UGH. There’s no way to talk to a “live” person either by phone or online and get real-time support. Which I think is a major terrible drawback.  I like to be able to try something, with the person RIGHT THERE, and then I say, “yeah, that worked! thanks!” or “that didn’t work, now what?” and I can get it taken care of right then instead of waiting two days for another fruitless email exchange.

I’ve heard of another gadget – Jack something? something Jack? which I might try. Whichever one I get is going to end up with a heck of a lot of business from me (I’m incorporating one of them into my developing business), and I want to get it right.

Have you used one of these activity monitors, or another one? Which one do you like and why?

When we were last together (virtually), I had just started hiking with the TNT Hike Team. I’m still on the team! and since then I’ve done some amazing and beautiful hikes around the Bay Area, all on trails I’ve never hiked on before. Which is pretty amazing, considering they are all within an hour drive of my house. Most of the hikes have been in the 3-4 hour range, which is pretty substantial.

Nature appreciation moment

Sunol Wilderness: breathtaking!

lunch break at Rodeo Beach hike

me and buddy Jon at Rodeo Beach

Can you see the Pacific Ocean? Wooo!

Inspiration Point hike

I did a couple of goofy events, including the Weight Watchers Thanksgiving morning Turkey Trot (my third in a row). It was POURING rain that morning but it felt good to get out and do a wet little 5k walk with some other leaders and members.

trotting turkeys

Another thing I did was go to Las Vegas over the first weekend in December. I’d originally booked that weekend for the Las Vegas Marathon, but at the time I hadn’t known I was going to do the triathlon. I knew I wasn’t ready to do a half marathon quite so soon. But I went for a fun weekend anyway and ended up participating in the Great Santa Claus 5k, which beat the Guinness World Record for the most running Santas in one place! Ten thousand Santa Clauses was pretty surreal and hilarious (and very Vegas). The Santa suit (including beard) was included in the registration fee. It wasn’t my best run by far, but I did finish and it was a great way to get back into it. Sort of. Ha.

Getting suited upTa-daa! Ho ho ho!

Wow, that's a lotta Santas!

Greatest cheerleader ever

Run, Santas, Run!

Even though I wasn’t running the Las Vegas Half, I knew a lot of people who were, so it was the first time I went out and cheered for a marathon. That was an amazing experience. I made a sign and stood out in front of our hotel. There was a water station so I immediately got to work passing out cups of water. The crazy thing is that it emptied out in less than an hour. That was rather unimpressive. Having to tell people, “One more mile to water!” Ugh. I also heard some nasty rumors about many many people puking after the race, and that the water we’d been handing out had come from fire hydrants. I hate to think that was true.

Sadly empty water stop

I got to meet the fantastic Paola who started running with Team in Training in LA this year. She’s got the bug! She’s hooked! I got to see her both coming and going, and when she came back around on her return loop, I got to walk with her towards the finish. It was great to finally meet her after being blog/Twitter buddies for so long. I was carrying my favorite “If your feet hurt, it’s because you are kicking butt!” sign. I have to admit, after seeing all the cold runners out there in the dark (it was the first nighttime marathon) I was kinda glad I hadn’t signed up myself. Kudos to all those who finished!!

Did I mention it was FREEZING?

The other thing that happened is that I was officially invited to become a mentor for the Summer TNT Triathlon Team! Me and Lily! YESSSS! We are so excited. My awesome mentor from last season, Annika, is now going to be one of the training coaches (and she will ROCK it). The team is going to be training simultaneously for the Wildflower Tri (which sounds hecka hard to me, very hilly!) and also the South Maui Triathlon (YES). I think my plan is going to be to do the Wildflower Sprint Tri in May, as well as cheer on all my teammates for the Olympic, and then do the Olympic Tri in Maui. Good plan? I think so. I am so pumped!!! And I really do feel like I need an Olympic triathlon do-over. Doing the Marin County Tri was an incredible experience, but I learned a LOT and I am ready to put that learning to the test. Plus I am so, so, so ready to train with the team again. I am ready and excited to be a mentor. We will have a new coach this time, who sounds scary. “He’s intense.” More intense than Haakon? OMG!

Our tri team had a little reunion/holiday party a few weeks ago and it was so awesome to see everyone again, tacky sweaters and all. I miss them!

Go Team Holiday Sweaters!

Lily with our team honoree, Izzy Faith!

Coach Haakon and Vince both have impeccable taste.

These weeks since the triathlon have convinced me that I really do need a team or group of some kind to keep me going. I’ve had some workouts, but they have been few, far between and wimpy. I give up way too soon when I’m alone. I have a hard time starting and a tough time going if I feel the slightest ache or twinge.

Today I tried out a new group: the local WOW team. I met them through Coach Michelle and they’re really cool – about helping women to be fit, mostly through running and walking, for their whole lives. I like their philosophy a lot. Today I met up for a group run. There were about 15 women there at the Berkeley Marina (foggy but pretty). Anyway, the plan was to run for an hour. We started with a 5 minute walk to warmup, then people were going to run 30 minutes out and back. When people started running, I immediately had this thought “I’ll just walk” but then I remembered that I’m allegedly doing a half marathon in a month. I started running too and one woman just happened to be at exactly my pace. How awesome is that! We ran together the whole way and it was really pleasant and distracting. For the first couple miles my feet were SCREAMING at me and I know that if I’d been alone, I would have just plain quit. But I noticed the second mile, they were hurting less and by the third mile they felt just fine. We ran just a hair under 5 miles at a pace I hadn’t run in many months. I was so excited and felt so good when I finished, that I came home and signed up for a New Year’s Day 10k. (wanna come with me?) Yay! I’m ba-ack!!!

oooh pretty!

I can’t tell you how awesome it felt to wake up in the dark, run around the house searching for a whole new kind of gear, eat my whole wheat muffin with peanut butter, and drive over to meet my carpool (my workout buddy for this season is my friend Jon). It all felt so giddily familiar and yet new at the same time. Man, I have missed my team workouts! Has it only been two weeks?

I remarked to Jon that one thing I LOVE about what TNT does to/for me is that it gets me to do way more than I would normally do on my own. Take this morning. It was early. There was a threat of rain. But TNT workouts happen “rain or shine” and I was excited about this. If I were just, say, meeting up with a friend (sans team) for a hike, we’d probably cancel or postpone because “it’s probably going to rain.” In fact, a couple of people were going to join me since it was “bring a friend” day but they passed on the experience for various reasons. It’s harder to pass when you’re on the team. Or, you’re just not gonna make that choice.

We got out to the trailhead parking lot in PLENTY of time and I got to re-unite with my Walk coach from 11 years ago (!!) and to meet my new mentor, Randy. Randy was sporting a brand new Camelbak, and new hiking poles and I think a new jacket, too. She had store tags hanging on all of it still. LOL.

Randy with her new duds, and coach Carolyn

After the requisite pre-workout speech and announcements (no matter what team, these always take forever while we freeeeeeeeeze) we set off into the Briones Park trail. It was beee-yoooo-tiful, but super muddy. In no time we had added about ten pounds of mud to each foot, which significantly increased the level of intensity of workout. Man! It was a huge effort to take each step.

East Bay MUD

The thing that is very awesome about the hike team is that we get to explore incredibly beautiful spots near where we live (where I have never been!) and we can literally stop and smell the roses. Or the mud. Or see the cormorants. Coach Carolyn’s husband, Steve, is the Nature Guy and he stopped to explain to us what a “watershed” is and also to point out some birds. Whose name I can’t remember anymore, other than cormorants.

Nature Guy

Overall, it was a great hike, even after it started to rain. It just felt great to be out there. Especially with the mud and a few hills, it was a pretty kick-ass workout, especially since I’ve done basically nothing in two weeks. We went for two and a half hours, which was quite respectable. Another thing I liked was getting to TALK to other team members, which doesn’t happen so much if you’re in a pool or on the bike. A lot of the hike team are alums from other sports, like Century (100 mile bike ride) or various marathons. One woman has done something like 15 marathons and 9 halfs? What? So that was pretty awesome.

Bottom line: It felt JUST RIGHT for where I am right now. Good choice, good decision. Yay hike team! GO TEAM!

Hiking! I like it!

And my ankle/foot? It held up pretty well. I could feel it, meaning it didn’t feel PERFECT, but it wasn’t like killing me and I didn’t feel like I’d overdone it afterward. So that was good. All in all, a great day, and it felt so good to be OUT there again. Yay!

So, last week I was feeling pretty much like a slug. I was sore and tired and emotionally wrung out. I did have one little swim session but other than that, I laid low and didn’t do a whole lot other than sit around with fake frozen peas on my foot.

This week I was feeling better! and ready to rejoin the world. It reminded me of times that I’d traveled to other countries for long trips. Re-entering my own country was often a disorienting and shaky experience. I’ve been off in triathlon country since July and coming back has been strange.

But this week I went back to work. I was feeling pretty good. I was excited to be back in the world again, using my brain and my body. I think maybe I was moving a little quickly because when I was calibrating my big machine, I dropped a 15 pound steel weight -yeah – on my LEFT FOOT. The bad one! The one I’ve been icing all week!

This time I dropped it right square on TOP of my foot. My other injuries are on the sides (ankles). It’s a good thing my foot has so many different surfaces to injure. Ay.

Yesterday I could barely even wear a shoe. Today it’s doing a little better. But I’m getting impatient, because after a week+ of really no working out to speak of, I am READY. I need to do something! Argh!

This weekend I’m going to join my new team (Hike/Snowshoe) for a nice long hike. I pray I can keep my feet intact until then. The forecast calls for rain but I don’t care. This is what I love about Team in Training -it’s that commitment, and we go out and “do the damn thing” regardless of weather or what. I’m ready to roll!

I went to the doctor yesterday. Diagnosis: bruised peroneal nerve and tendonitis on BOTH sides of my left ankle now. Aggravated by shoes, which hit the tendons on each side, and walking. Greeeat. But I kind of expected this, or something like it, and I’m glad it’s nothing more serious, like a stress fracture or something. I just have to stay off it, which is not so hard, considering it hurts like the devil to stay ON it.

I did get a little exercise in this week, though. On Tuesday Lily and I were all bewildered that we did not have our usual swim workout, so we went to the pool anyway even though it was freezing as heck, and we swam a nice relaxing 300 and then sat in the hot tub and recapped our respective triathlon experiences. She had had no idea what had happened with me, and vice versa. She rocked her race and I’m so proud of her. Already we are scheming for our next tri.

This morning we had coffee with one of our teammates Elisa, plus our mentor Annika, and we talked about signing up for the Maui Triathlon in June. I am excited about this. I am realizing how very much I want a ‘do-over’ of my triathlon. I feel like I learned so much and am ready to apply it to the next experience.

Meanwhile, my new Hike/Snowshoe team is doing their very first workout tomorrow, but alas I won’t be joining them because 1) I have a conference all weekend and 2) I can’t really walk. I hope I will be good to go by the following weekend! Plus, I need to get a little running in here and there so I can work up to the Tinkerbell Half Marathon in Disneyland in January. So many events! But it’s all good.

It’s been good to rest this week, but I also admit to having a touch of that post-triathlon letdown. I miss my team! I miss my workouts, now that it’s all over. But soon enough I will have a new team to get to know, and new workouts. In the meantime, it’s cold peas on the ankle.

Here goes, in probably excruciating detail, but this is kind of how I process stuff (in case you haven’t noticed, LOL!).

Woke up at 4:10am. Actually woke up at 12:59am, 3-something-am AND 4:10am because Mr. McBody (Dr McBody to some) was on call, and get calls he did. (note to self: if spouse is on call night before a race, sleep in separate rooms)

I was WIDE awake though. This was helped by the switch back to Standard Time, which felt like a gift from the universe. So it only FELT like 5:10am, which I’ve done before! Got dressed and had mini-mini meltdowns due to 1) someone at the last whole wheat English muffin and left the EMPTY PACKAGE on top of the breadbox! So I was left without my Eng muffin and peanut butter breakfast which I have gotten very attached to. Instead I boiled a couple of eggs and ate some weird Chai-flavored instant oatmeal. They both felt unfamiliar and kind of wrong, but what choice did I have at 4:30am? Not much.

eating my egg in the car

Picked up Lily. Yay! Her sweetie and parents and dog were all waiting down on the street to load her bike in my car. We had an awesome drive over to the tri site. I am really going to miss driving to workouts with her in the wee hours of the morning. (snif)

We arrived at the park in plenty of time. It was actually really beautiful there in the predawn.

pulling the giant buoy markers out to place

I ate my hard boiled egg, we used the restrooms and picked out our transition spots. Since we were there so early, we had a good choice of spot and I got to use the fence as a coat rack.

Lily: "Move your bike closer to mine, I don't want anyone to get between us." Me: "That's never gonna happen!"

Coach Haakon taped up my foot. Which is supposedly not in the regulations, but I really appreciated it.

We went and got our bodies marked with our race numbers and our ages. 52, baby!!!! I always wonder why they do that – so that if we die on the course we have ID on our bodies?

Go, # 505!

52!! Yeah!!

Our mentor Annika gave us a visual preview of all the ins and outs and showed us where all the buoys were for the swim course. I’d say we’re looking fairly concerned. Teammate Vince calls it “game face.” LOL.

"Wow, those buoys are REALLY FAR out there!"

We started walking over to the swim entry area, led by an awesome bagpipe player (very dramatic!). My heart was pounding like a jackhammer. Then I stepped in this crazy HOLE in the parking lot (like six inches deep and the width of a coffee can) – my foot went RIGHT IN and I fell down. Bam! Not an auspicious beginning. I could feel something bad in my knee (which is still feeling pretty twisted, by the way). But we kept going. I was feeling pretty psyched, and pretty ready.

good to go!

We TNTers got to go in the first wave and that was a really good thing. We got in the water (brrrrrrrrr!) and got the water in our wetsuits and floated around while we waited for the starting horn.

Can you believe it's me out there in 40 degree weather and 60 degree water?

waving at J, who's trying to pick me out of all the other green capped creatures

We were being led out on paddleboard by Coach Neil, the guy who had led my semi-disastrous last open water swim a few weeks ago. I told him I was feeling good about the swim and he seemed pleased but also surprised because I think he really had me for a goner in the open water department.

And... we're off! That orange buoy on the horizon was our first marker!

So we swam. I know that I was swimming really, really slowly. But I was relaxed. I kept up my “gentle-kind” mantra pretty much the only time, except when I was daydreaming about pleasant things, which was a pretty nice way to pass the time. I noticed that each time I lifted my head to sight on the big orange buoy, it kept GETTING BIGGER! which I found very encouraging. I was making headway, even though virtually everyone was passing me and leaving a large gap between them and me. I was OK. I made a few little “bobbing” stops to get my bearings and take some extra oxygen in, but they weren’t like panic stops, more like, “let’s see what’s going on.”

I am pretty sure one of these is me.

I was somewhere between buoy 2 and 3 (out of 4?) and a couple kayakers were yelling and motioning at me to “pull it in toward the shore!” I think I got kind of drifty toward the right and ended up adding a couple hundred extra yards to my swim. I had a few moments of “Well, that’s a drag” but I didn’t freak out. Pretty soon a huge wave of red-capped swimmers took us over. They were churning up the water like a hundred sharks in a frenzy. A couple of them slapped at my feet and bumped into me. Thank goodness that is ONE thing that doesn’t freak me out. I just kind of got out of their way.

The swim felt long. By the clock I think it was around 40 minutes, which was shorter than I’d planned for but still I was near the end of our group. No matter. I was relaxed the whole time, and toward the end I was almost regretting it was going to be over. I was sort of enjoying thinking my nice thoughts and just stroke, stroke, stroke. The last bit between the final buoy and the red finish arc felt reallllllllly long. But I didn’t panic, didn’t float on my back, didn’t hang on any kayaks or people, and pretty much DID the damn thing! After all the struggle I had these past months? I was ecstatic.

I was pretty darn happy when I got out of the water.

final strokes toward shore

Yeah!! I made it to land!

YAYY! This was a happy moment

I headed to T1. (Transition 1) When I got there I was suddenly overcome by lightheadedness. I felt super dizzy and suddenly insanely COLD. So I was just focused on trying to get warm and put on some dry stuff. It seemed to take forever to put on my socks and gloves. My feet were this wacky white/red color. Finally I felt ready and I pulled my bike down and got out of there.

heading out of transition with teammate Katherine

freezing cold, sopping wet, but feeling good

Ha! Forgot this very Special Moment during the tri until teammate Katherine sent it to me. Right after this last picture above, it was time to “mount the bikes.” I got on and then… OOPS! Seems like Katherine wanted some team togetherness. Neither of us actually fell over though, and it was all good!  This is now one of my favorite pics of the event.

"Now that's team togetherness!" LOL

Important note for subsequent events: I was really kind of a woozy space cadet during this transition. I wasn’t thinking clearly. ie., I looked at my huuuuuge bottle of Gatorade on the ground, and a littler bottle. But I didn’t drink any. Nor did I eat any of the salted pretzels I’d so carefully baggied up. I took a little swig of water and then put the water bottle in my bike’s holder. I ate a half of a Kind bar. (sweet flavor)

I go back and back to this moment. In the past months I learned that the combo of Gatorade and salty pretzels is like the PERFECT combo recovery/fuel for me. The electrolytes/carbs/salt combo. This combo has given me like superhuman energy and really surprised me. So WHY didn’t I eat/drink it during this transition? One, I was dying from salt overload from the swim and I couldn’t deal with the idea of pretzels. Which is why I chose the Kind bar. Two, I remember kind of glancing at the Gatorade and I may as well have been looking at a doorknob. Like, “Hmm, that looks familiar like something I’ve used in a past life.” It just didn’t click to me. I took that one little sip of water and then I was starting to get really concerned about sitting there having a picnic while everyone else was clearing out to bike, so I just wanted to hustle and get out of there. I MAY have thought, “I’ll drink when I’m on the bike” but I also thought there would be some water/Gatorade stops on the way.

I got going out of transition and up the hill. This is a really steep kind of hill of doom thing, but I set it in first gear and just got up it. It wasn’t so bad. I was feeling pretty good. My feet were absolutely NUMB and I had noticed when putting my socks on they were a freaky white/red frostbitey color. They never thawed out the whole time I was on the bike.

Then we turned out of the park and it was so exciting! People lining the streets!

photo by Annelies!

I saw Annelies and my coaches and a whole ton of people. It was so cool. Then we had ANOTHER long climb but I felt OK.

Love this: "Susan whizzing by," by Annelies

I got through the first loop, turned around at the campground and headed back to the park. Fewer people standing around this time because a lot of people had transitioned to run. I was still feeling OK I thought.

I started coming up the long climb for trip number two and right away, my chain slipped. Damn. And as soon as I got off the bike, my head started swirling and I just felt… NOT GOOD. This guy came over and helped me with the chain. I continued up the hill and then I just had to stop. By complete coincidence, I happened to stop in front of this orange-shirted volunteer guy who had this first aid kit. It was a medic! Wow! He asked me how I was doing. I said, “Um…. not so hot.” He told me to rest a few minutes and I did and then I decided to walk to the crest of the hill. But I was feeling really wobbly.

I got on the bike again at the flat and went a little ways longer and then damn, my chain slipped off AGAIN. This time my teammate Art came to my rescue. He fixed my chain and at that point I just started crying. And finding it hard to breathe. And shivering like nobody’s business. I was SO COLD all of a sudden. Then I felt nauseated.  I drank a little more water but at that point I felt like I was going to puke. Then the orange-shirt medic came trotting up and he told me to sit down and I told Art to keep going. And then I REALLY fell apart.

(edited to add: I was dehydrated. I was SO DEHYDRATED! Because I hadn’t really had enough to drink beforehand, and I FORGOT to drink during transition, and I thought there would be water stops on the bike route so I didn’t drink while I was riding either.)

When supervising the medical care of athletes, it is important to recognize the basic signs of dehydration. These include thirst, irritability and general discomfort followed by headache, weakness, dizziness, cramps, chills, heartburn, difficulty breathing, vomiting, nausea, head or neck heat sensations and decreased performance. 

I felt like I was dying. Like all of my internal systems were just going haywire: stomach, lungs, brain, circulation, the works. The medic took my blood pressure. It was high. He said my heart rate was “pretty fast.” I started crying even more, and gasping and death-rattling, not unlike what I’ve done in open water. Except here I was now by the side of the road.  Meanwhile I was getting colder and colder and all I wanted was my big fake-fur parka back at transition. I thought I was going to die if I didn’t get warm. The medic gave me his fleece jacket but it didn’t cover my whole body and my teeth were just chattering like a skeleton dance.  I knew that I had two choices at that moment: I’d have to throw in the towel, or I’d have to rally and keep going. I had been sitting on the ground there for probably more than twenty minutes (no, no exaggeration!). I was feeling in a desperate state. He said, “Maybe you will feel better with some wind in your face, or we can call the car to come get you.”

HELL NO. No car! No car! I felt like I would die a thousand deaths of shame if I got toted back in a car. (worse than a kayak?) So I walked the bike shakily over the next rise and then got on again. I was about 20% into the 2nd loop at that point. I started going verrrrry, very slowly and grimly. I felt like death. I was so cold it was almost unbearable, and I was still kind of hyperventilating. I pedalled. Finally I got out to the turnaround where my friend Mary was waiting with another support person. I was feeling pretty miserable right then. I made my way back to the park and my plan was to ask coach Haakon what he thought I should do.

But there was pretty much nobody there at the park entrance at that point. People were FINISHING the race (I could hear the loudspeakers) and the guy waved his orange flag and flagged me back toward the entrance. They were starting to take down the bike course. I knew that about 4 of my teammates were still out on the course, doing their 3rd loop, because we’d passed each other. But they were past the turnaround and I hadn’t even started. I thought about the big hill and the time. I felt like I had no energy to do another loop, and no time to do it in, and that it would pretty much finish me, physically and emotionally.

I turned into the parking lot and headed down to Transition again.

Here, dear readers, is what is LITERALLY a turning point in the story. Where I made that decision, for better or worse. On one hand it felt like the only tenable choice. On the other hand it felt TERRIBLE. I knew that if I started the run portion I would still be way behind 99% of all of the participants in the race.

So I went down to transition, put on my running shoes and hat, and headed out again. As I passed a lot of people yelling my name, all I could think of was, “If you only knew! I just did two loops!”  I also knew I had to keep going and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

starting the run portion -- 6 miles to go!

In spite of my wonky knee and foot, I managed to “run” (ie not walk) more than half – maybe even 75% of the six miles. I did a walk interval with Art, who had saved me with my slipped chain during the ride. It was great to have him for company during that final piece.

running with Art

He finished up his 2nd run loop (my first) and I ran the majority of the last one. Two of the highlights of the run portion were seeing my beautiful Juniorette appear. She ran up and gave me a kiss and I got all weepy. Then I got to pass my awesome trainer, Doug, who had set up camp with a cup of coffee and a folding chair. I could hear his huge booming voice, “Here comes SUSANITO!” from blocks away. It was amazing to see him out there. (I wish I had a picture of this!)

Meanwhile, the vast majority of participants and spectators were passing me on the road as they headed out of the park, beeping and cowbelling out their windows. I think a hundred cars must have passed by and while it was nice to be cheered I was also wondering if there was going to be ANYbody left in the park when I got down to finish.

As it turns out, my whole beautiful team was there. I got down to the finish chute and my beautiful mentor Annika and her husband ran in with me.

If it hadn't been for my Team, I would have been completely alone here.

The whole team was yelling my name. The announcer goes, “What an entourage! They’re all yelling for Cindy!” and everyone yells “SUSAN!”

Getting closer…

FINISH: I put my arms up, but I was actually on the verge of falling apart.

I passed over the finish and got all hugged by everyone and I was a sobbing, weepy MESS.

LILY put my medal around my neck! Sob!

Group hug!

My buddy to the end

Coach hug: "You did the damn thing!"

Hubby hug with Juniorette

The announcer boomed out, “Yes, sometimes there are a few tears.” Which made me cry more. I was just freaking SPENT at that point.

Then the last bunch of teammates came on in a while later and then everyone was done and I walked around feeling super fragile, and a combination of triumphant and completely fraudulent and awful. I told Mr. M what had gone on, and of course he was not the least bit disgusted or concerned. (he was, however, quite dismayed by my lack of hydration)

Came home. Took a hot bath (I was STILL cold!). Passed out into a fitful nap then had soup for dinner.

I read the gazillion Facebook accolades and “you are so awesome!” comments. I started writing this recap but at that point I was drowning in feelings of guilt (over not doing the 3rd bike loop) and feeling like I had somehow cheated. I didn’t want to think of myself as the kind of person who takes the bus to the finish line. I was really agonizing over it and felt like I needed to return all the congratulations that had come my way.

I sent a confessional sort of race cap email to my coaches. It was really eating me up. Their responses made me bawl even more, but helped me see that I really did have something to be proud of and not ashamed about.

Coach Stephanie said:

I knew that you hadn’t finished that last loop. You are still a triathlete. Nothing takes that away from what you accomplished this season. I don’t know too many people, myself included who could have the tenacity to get back on that bike after the very emotional moments and sheer physical discomfort that you experienced and decided to carry on. Well done to you!   Live to fight another day…Forgive yourself for any feelings of defeat. You are a warrior and a Triathlete!

WAHHHHHH!

Then Coach Haakon said (and he was who I was most worried about because he is such a BAD ASS!):

You do not have anything to be ashamed of. I hope with all my heart that what you take out of this experience is that you accomplished a hell of a lot more than I think even you thought you were capable of. Plenty of people start and don’t finish completely. You toed the line and you battled through more obstacles than just about anyone else out there. You have trained diligently and hard and have contributed in a big way to the personality of our team. You deserve that medal and many more. I am none the less proud of your accomplishment today than I was yesterday and I would be shocked if anyone else was either. Everyone has a story and everyone has their reasons for doing things. What I see here is someone who struggled enormously yet pushed through despite every part of her body telling her to stop. I can imagine that the decision to cut it short was not an easy one, but it also sounds like it was the right one. Be proud of what you accomplished and celebrate the small victories that you made along the way. Some times it is good to “fail”. It teaches us where our limiters are. Notice I did not say limits. Recognizing our limiters gives us the opportunity to focus our attention in areas that will in term make us better, faster and stronger.

Be proud of what you did, I know I am. Your story will be very inspirational to many and there is no need to paint it any other way. Hang your medal proudly on the glory wall and use it to stay motivated and continue to push outside your comfort zone. Thank you so much for your participation this season and for sharing your story. I would love to see you come back for another go at it some day.

DOUBLE WAHHHHHH! I hope they do not mind posting these emails, but receiving these made me really feel what it has meant to be part of Team in Training. Where they took me in and encouraged me and believed in me to the very end, and beyond the end. This has been one of the most transformative experiences of my LIFE.

Thank you team, thank you teammates and friends and donors and supporters who have followed this journey since July. I know I’ll never be the same.

buddy for life

favorite piece of jewelry other than my wedding ring